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THE DEFINITION OF OBSCENITY

I wrote blogs for the Telegram & Gazette for five years, from January 2011 to January 2016. We parted ways because, according to the current online editor, my writing was “inflammatory and obscene.”

Last year I found out that Bruce Gaultney, who was at the T&G’s helm five publishers ago, wanted me gone after reading the column I wrote on June 6, 2013. It was up for two days before it was pulled. Mark Henderson, the online editor at the time, argued on my behalf that I continue to write, and he prevailed. I never knew about this until two years after it happened.

Here is that blog in its entirety. I titled it “YOU WANTED A DIFFERENT TOPIC”

Some readers claim that all I write about is race. Others say my columns are too serious and that I surely must be a drag at cocktail parties. They want more entertaining articles for their reading pleasure, and I’ve decided to respond to their demands. Therefore, the topic of this blog is cunnilingus. You can’t get any more entertaining than that. Let’s start with the definition:

“Cunnilingus is an oral sex act performed on a female. It involves the use by a sex partner of the mouth, lips, and tongue to stimulate the female’s clitoris, vulva, or vagina. Sufficient oral clitoral stimulation can result in an orgasm. Though the person receiving cunnilingus must be female, her sex partner may be of either gender.” (Wikipedia)

No doubt cunnilingus has been performed from the beginning of time and by all species. As in the lyrics of the old song, “Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, let’s do it…”

Perhaps you’re aware that cunnilingus has been a major news story in the past week involving Academy Award-winning actor and producer, Michael Douglas, the eldest son of the legendary actor Kirk Douglas.

“Michael Douglas has revealed that his stage 4 throat cancer was the result of an HPV infection that he got from oral sex. In an interview with the Guardian last Sunday, the 68-year-old actor was asked whether he regretted smoking and drinking, both of which are linked to throat cancer. He answered, “No. Because…. this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.” (Boston Globe, June 10, 2013)

Good lord. I thought if I didn’t smoke or chew tobacco I’d be protected from that illness. Who knew?

On the other hand, Kirk Douglas is 96 years old and is still walking around with all his faculties intact. The secret to his longevity?

Cunnilingus.

This subject has been referenced in novels, movies, and television. In Jimmy Breslin’s laugh-out-loud spoof of the Mafia, “The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight,” there’s a character named Beppo the Dwarf who’s quite popular with the ladies. That’s because despite his small stature, Beppo “could touch his forehead with his tongue.”

In “Monster Ball,” Billy Bob Thornton performs interracial cunnilingus on Halle Berry. She won an Academy Award for her performance in the film. What red-blooded heterosexual male in this entire country wouldn’t do that for Halle Berry?

The following is from the book “The Sex You Want” by Lisa Douglas and Marsha Douglas:

“The only good lover in ‘Waiting to Exhale’ is the one who disappears below Whitney Houston’s smile and off the lower border of the screen. In Annie Hall, the audience laughs in sympathy with Woody Allen when he complains that cunnilingus makes his jaw sore. The joke also plays on the common wisdom that women take “forever” to come.

In an episode of the television series “Seinfeld,” Julia Louis-Dreyfuss finally convinces her new boyfriend, a jazz musician, to give her oral sex. His valiant efforts at cunnilingus ruin a subsequent audition when he is unable to hit a single note on the sax with his fatigued lips and tongue.”

But the best example comes from “The Sopranos.” Tony Soprano’s Uncle Junior is on vacation in Boca Raton with his girlfriend Bobbi. She praises Junior’s skill at performing cunnilingus, but this makes him nervous and he forbids her to talk about it.

Bobbi Sanfillipo: Why the big secret?
Corrado ‘Junior’ Soprano: About what?
Bobbi Sanfillipo: Oral sex. What’s so terrible about pleasing a woman?
Corrado ‘Junior’ Soprano: You always have to talk about everything.
Bobbi Sanfillipo: Well, I wanna know why.
Corrado ‘Junior’ Soprano: It’s complicated.
Bobbi Sanfillipo: Yeah, but why?
Corrado ‘Junior’ Soprano: Why? Because they think if you suck pussy you’ll suck anything.
Bobbi Sanfillipo: Oh, you’re kidding.
Corrado ‘Junior’ Soprano: It’s a sign of weakness and possibly a sign that you’re a finook.
Bobbi Sanfillipo: [chuckles] A fag? That’s ridiculous. How would the two even translate?
Corrado ‘Junior’ Soprano: What are ya gonna do? I mean, I don’t make the rules.

But Bobbi made the mistake of talking about Junior’s talents at the hair and nail parlor, and the hairdresser told someone who told Tony’s wife, Carmela. Tony thought it was hilarious until Carmela said, “You only do it to me once a year on my birthday.”

When Junior poked fun at Tony during a golf game, Tony retaliated with veiled jokes about cunnilingus, aimed at Junior. For his part, Junior responded with a reference to Tony’s visits to his therapist, Dr. Melfi. Tony and Junior’s relationship went from bad to worse, and there was a veritable war between them with their “soldiers” taking sides. After a few weeks of this Tony, while sitting on his bed with Carmela, made this keen observation which may consist of the funniest lines in the entire Sopranos series:

“Uncle June and I, we had our problems with the business, but I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.”

Ladies, if the slug you’re living with isn’t pleasuring you in this manner, whack him upside the head and tell him to get busy or you’ll kick him to the curb.

And gentlemen, you need to know that there’s no way to get a better ROI (return on investment) than to become an expert practitioner of the art of cunnilingus.

OK, so what do you think?  Was this column obscene? How do you define obscenity? In the immortal words of Justice Paul Stevens, “I know it when I see it.”

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Comments

  1. Charles Erickson says:

    I would say that it would not pass muster for a “family” publication. For a magazine for adults, it would be fine. It just has the potential of creating unwanted questions from young kids. Although, nowadays, anybody with a computer can see hard-core sex by google-ing images. Parental controls only work until age 8 or so. Not like when we were young and had to go hide Hustler and Playboy under our mattresses. So, I guess these days who cares. It’s just that the print media hasn’t caught up to the Internet. Two completely different media.

  2. Carlo says:

    I can’t imagine there are any young kids reading Telegram & Gazette blogs. The average newspaper reader is 55 years old. But as Uncle Junior said, “What are ya gonna do? I don’t make the rules.”

    1. Charles Erickson says:

      That’s what I said in response to a critic some time ago. What “kid” finds their way to a T&G blog?

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