Edson Arantes do Nascimento, aka Pelé, is a retired Brazilian professionalfootballer He is regarded by many in the sport, including football writers, players, and fans, as the GOAT, i.e., the greatest player of all time. What the rest of the world calls “football,” we Americans refer to as “soccer.” Pele, not Tom Brady, is the GOAT in football (Calm yourselves, Patriots fanatics 😊)
Anyhow, Pele was in the news last week in reviews of an absolutely hilarious book written by sportswriter Rick Reilly called “Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump.”
Let me explain to non-golfers. When you hit the ball off the tee, the object is to hit it straight down the middle and make it land in the fairway where the grass is short. You then have a good lie, and your second shot is much easier.
However, if you hook the ball to the left or slice it to the right, you’re apt to land in the “rough,” where the grass is high and the ball difficult to hit.
Mr. Reilly reported that caddies (men who carry the golfers’ clubs) were eyewitnesses to Donald Trump hitting his balls in the rough and kicking them back out onto the fairway with a soccer-style kick. He did it so often they nicknamed him “Pele.”
That’s witty and clever and it could be a campaign game-changer. Trump loves to give his opponents insulting nicknames: Crooked Hillary, Lyin’ Ted, Crazy Bernie, Comrade Bernie, Little Marco, Pocahontas, etc.
I propose that all of the 20 or so Democratic candidates for the presidential nomination, without exception, relentlessly refer to Donald Trump as “President Pele,” now, during their debates, and right through to Election Day.
The reason that might stick is because people will ask, “Why are they calling him President Pele?” The explanation will focus their minds and they’ll picture this obese lout kicking a golf ball with the instep of his foot. It will be cemented in their memories.
I plan to send this blog to Congressman James McGovern. Who knows, maybe he’ll even pass it on to Democratic campaign operatives.
Reilly says that President Pele cheats constantly, and that cheating is as natural to him as swimming is to Michael Phelps. He cheats when people aren’t watching, and he cheats when they are watching. He lies on his score card, marking down a 4 when he’s hit 5 or 6 strokes. He carries several balls in his pocket so if one goes so deep in the rough he can’t find it he simply drops a new ball on the fairway and claims that’s where his original shot landed.
One time President Pele hit a ball into a pond. His caddy said he found it, but onlookers said the caddy would have needed scuba gear for that to happen.
Another time President Pele was playing with Tiger Woods. He tried to cheat Tiger, but he still couldn’t beat him.
Sometimes when you’re playing golf your fellow players can’t see you. If President Pele finds himself in a sand trap, a very difficult shot to hit, he takes his ball and tosses it on to the green. If he finds his opponent’s ball on the green and the opponent can’t see him, President Pele picks up his ball and throws it in the woods. You can’t make this guy up.
“I think Donald, in his heart of hearts, believes that you’re gonna cheat him, too. So if it’s the same, if everybody’s cheating, he doesn’t see it as really cheating,” Reilly writes.
The legendary golf great Arnold Palmer said he would never do business with anyone unless he played a round of golf with them first. He said if someone cheats at golf, they’d cheat at business, too.
In a sick sort of way President Pele is very entertaining. It’s mind-boggling that he was elected to the most powerful position in the world. Even more insane is the fact that he has a good chance of being re-elected.
What are you gonna do?
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